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Talk:September 1983 Laws/GA1

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GA Review

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Nominator: FuzzyMagma (talk · contribs) 12:22, 30 December 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Reviewer: PCN02WPS (talk · contribs) 02:18, 18 August 2024 (UTC)[reply]


Reviewing as part of GARC. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 02:18, 18 August 2024 (UTC)[reply]

@PCN02WPS, reminder ping. -- asilvering (talk) 00:01, 23 September 2024 (UTC)[reply]
@FuzzyMagma I am very, very sorry for letting this nom sit for so long without action. I genuinely forgot about it for a while as my free time decreased after school started back up, and now I have been without power for four days following Hurricane Helene. I will get to this as soon as I can, hopefully later today. Thank you for your patience. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 15:00, 30 September 2024 (UTC)[reply]


Lead

  • "Sudanese president...introduced Islamic sharia laws in Sudan" is a little repetitive; the two links right next to each other are also misleading so that needs to be fixed
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 18:25, 8 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • Some issues with commas in the last sentence of para 1; can ditch the one after "unlike"
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 18:25, 8 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "policies contributed to Second Sudanese Civil War in southern Sudan" → "to the Second..."
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 18:25, 8 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Background

  • "Sudanese president Gaafar Nimeiry" → "president" is lowercase in the lead and uppercase in this section
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 18:25, 8 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "While legislative attempts to Islamise..." → not a complete sentence
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 18:25, 8 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "the "Sudanese Islamic Movement."" → move full stop outside quotes per MOS:LQ
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 18:25, 8 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "During the period between 1977 and 1985" → "From 1977 to 1985" to simplify wording
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 18:25, 8 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • First sentence is a run-on; the clause "which involved..." is set up like an appositive but is never closed, making the sentence ungrammatical. "especially" needs a comma before it.
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 18:25, 8 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • Why is "Islamic approach" in quotes? What does that mean? Is it different than the "aligning with religious groups..."?
becuase the word "approach" or "path" was used as a term that Nimeiry used - at the time - to talk about this movement. FuzzyMagma (talk) 18:25, 8 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • Book titles should be italicized, not in quotes. (Also, the first book is missing a closing quote anyway)
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 18:25, 8 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]

The law, etc

  • Again, why is "Islamic path" in quotes? Is this a term that was widely used or one that you came up with?
changed to approach for consistency but is translated from Arabic FuzzyMagma (talk) 18:25, 8 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • The first sentence is very wordy, what you're saying is "The commencement of the legislation initiated in 1983"; that essentially means "The start of the law started in 1983", which is redundant
fixed and made shorter FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • The whole first paragraph is kind of meaningless; "The law started, which resulted in laws and directives being introduced to enforce the law and other doctrines" - some specifics would be helpful
see above this comment FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "resulting in the introduction of several directives and laws to enforce sharia law" -- repetitive
see above this comment FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "In September 1983, President Gaafar Nimeiry" → all you need is "Nimeiry" here; his title and first name were given in the previous section
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • why is "September Laws" in italics?
fixed to quotation FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "He was assisted in drafting the laws by a group of Islamists" → change to active voice
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "The laws led to disposing of alcohol" → who was doing the disposing/implementing?
changed to "The laws led to prohibition and implementing hudud punishments" FuzzyMagma (talk) 12:15, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "According to Human Right Watch" → from what I can tell, it's "Human Rights Watch"
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • try to implement the HRW quote into your prose by paraphrasing it or using a shorter selection. It's kind of awkward as is and disrupts the flow of the article to have a paragraph-long quote
merged with the text above. The aim was to explain what Hudud punishments meant but there is a wikilink FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Hassan al-Turabi backed this decision" → the decision to implement Sharia law, or backed certain punishments, or something else?
yes and fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "The Islamic economy was introduced in early 1984" -- the meaning of this is not immediately obvious
fixed and moved up for better flow FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Nimeiry proclaimed himself the "Imam of the Sudanese Umma" in 1984" -- in the lead, "imam" is lowercase, italicized, and linked; not sure what is correct but this should be consistent. Also, what is "umma" and why is it in quotes?
Umma orUmmah is an Arabic term used to refer to the collective nation of Muslim people. Nimeiry wanted to be called that (leader or spiritual guide of the Sudanese Muslim community), this why I used the quotation and now linked Ummah FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "banned "European dancing",[13] and " -- remove comma (WP:CINS)
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "They poured alcohol was worth" -- ungrammatical
fixed to "They poured alcohol worth around $11 million" FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Being lashed 40 times is the penalty for breaking the prohibition on alcohol" -- there is probably a better way to say this ("The punishment for breaking...is forty lashes" or something similar)
fixed and merged to the sentence before it FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "which they used to empower itself " → plural (they) ... itself (singular)
fixed to "themselves" FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "an "Islamic republic." " -- LQ
fixed, "." outside the quote FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "However Historian Gabriel Warburg asserted" -- needs comma after "however" and lowercase for "historian". Might want to change to "the historian" to avoid a false title.
both fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "nine billion dollars" -- specify currency
fixed to USD FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • Break up first sentence of "Amputation"
done FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "that lead to a famine declared" -- "led"
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "implantation" -- implementation?
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • why is September Laws in italics?
fixed, italic removed FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "300 Sudanese individuals" -- don't start a sentence with a numeral (MOS:NUMNOTES)
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "than $40 USD" → might want to change to "US$40" using a template
done, including to other currency mention FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "and often endured" suggest "were subject to wrongful arrests" so we avoid putting too much emotion in WP's voice
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "exacerbated their suffering" -- "their" is ambiguous here since the last people you mentioned are those performing the amputations
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "leading to significant social and familial consequences, including shame within their families and enduring public humiliation" -- repetitive
removed FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "punishment including 8 who were hanged" -- needs a comma after "punishment" and "eight" instead of "8"
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Muslims and Christians faced sharia punishment including 8 who were hanged" -- were they the only groups that faced punishment? why are we mentioning them specifically?
Muslims are the majority (98% in Sudan today) and Christians are a minority concentrated in the South (now South Sudan). Sharia laws typically govern Muslims but in Sep. Laws it was stretch to Christians. At the top I mentioned the reasons for the Second Sudanese Civil War, which further elaborated on in the Southern Sudan section. I assumed it will be understood in the context of the article, but let me know where I can make the article more accessible FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "hudud punishment of amputation" -- wording of this sentence is a little off; also "hudud" is italicized previously in the article but not here
Hudud italised, rephraed to "Sudanese historian al-Mahbob Abdul Salam recounts that Hassan al-Turabi lost consciousness while witnessing an amputation, a hudud punishment, at Kober prison." FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "al-Turabi quoted saying that" -- "al-Turabi said"
changed to "In 1985, Hassan al-Turabi stated, "Ultimately .."" FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • The image caption of Taha could provide some info about the image (when it was taken, for example), rather than just his name and a link
fixed but could not find the data but wrote about the execution FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "It promoted peaceful relations" -- this sentence goes back and forth with what it promoted and opposed; recommend "it promoted...x, y, z,... and opposed..." so readers don't get confused going back and forth
fixed to "It advocated for peaceful relations with Israel, gender equality, and various freedoms. It also criticised Wahhabism, opposed the enforcement of Islamic penal codes, and supported a federal social democratic governance system." FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "government, and faced a" → remove comma
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "On 5 June 1983, Nimeiry sought to counter" -- what happened on june 5? did he come up with the idea on that day or did he actually divide the southern region? if he actually divided it, get rid of "sought to..." etc.
fixed, sentenced restructured and divided to two FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • You can remove the SPLA acronym since it isn't used anywhere else in the article
done FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Aftermath

  • "Nimeiry's removal in 1985" -- expand the link to cover this whole phrase to avoid any WP:EGG-y issues
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 12:15, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 12:15, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "was amputated" -- "were amputated" since there were multiple
fixed FuzzyMagma (talk) 11:54, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Similar cross amputation" -- this sentence is worded poorly
changed to "A similar cross-amputation sentence was issued and enforced in 2021." FuzzyMagma (talk) 12:15, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Also, the government required, for example" -- remove "for example" if you have "also"
fixed and included when the law stopped FuzzyMagma (talk) 12:15, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]

That's what I've got for prose. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 22:55, 6 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Hi, amended as suggested. You can critique specific amendment directly by replying to my comment on that specific issue. Thanks for taking the time to review the article prose. FuzzyMagma (talk) 12:17, 9 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]
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